Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
