You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
