How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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