Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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