How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
