Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
