our cab driver is having phone sex.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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