the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
