My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
