I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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