you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize