He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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