he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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