You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
