I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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