Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
