She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
its liver damage thursday
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