An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
