i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
