Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
