I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
