In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Your tits are I can't wait for
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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