Little spoons don't ask big questions
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
