Screwed.edu
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
