The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just forgot I was standing up.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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