so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
