Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
