I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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