Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
