I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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