im drinking this country out of the recession.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm sobbing to NWA
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
