I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
