I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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