My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
