ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Michael Bay diarrhea
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
