Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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