I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Randomize
