i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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