I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
