mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
