so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
