My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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