What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
