Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
