if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
