I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
