for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
