I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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