Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
