Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Randomize
