Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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