bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize