My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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