The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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