i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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