i just snorted my name. best moment ever
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
