u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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