Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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